Milascenta

I apologise for not posting in a while, I’ve been dealing with massive migraines for a bout a month or so. But I have found the culprit and have fixed the problem, I’m feeling much better now. I should be able to get back to streaming soon too, with better equipment/quality. I realised too late that my second monitor had been going on 10 years now so it was giving out this high pitched signal, I just thought it was my mild tinnitus. My tinnitus was being compounded on, giving me massive headaches and making me feel just crap all the time, turning off the monitor would even help too, I would have to completely disconnect all the cables for it to stop, which is just inconvenient. I thought I was going crazy for a while just hearing this tone constantly in my room, but thinking it was just my tinnitus. But my tinnitus isn’t that bad, just the usual you’d get from listen to live music constantly and working with audio in general. So its calmed down a lot recently too. So I realised it was my second monitor and got rid of it, got a new one (pretty much the same as my main one just smaller, same refresh rate same brand and even same product line, only difference is panel, main is IPS and 2nd is now VA, idk really know the difference lol) so it looks a lot better and I’m really happy with it. It feels just like having one massive monitor, I don’t think I would get a wide screen monitor I like having two separate ones, but they feel so similar neither is better, obviously main is a few inches bigger though. During this time though I hadn’t felt like doing anything, not going on tumblr just kinda rotting away with my head exploding. I have been doing my Dr appointments though and only have a couple left, I need blood tests and then hear back from the Lung specialist about my echocardiogram (just to make sure my heart is ok after everything) and then its back to the surgeon for talks of surgery to finish everything. Its finally getting there and I can move on with my life. My arm still keeps me up at night and hurts constantly but after surgery it should be good, also I am going to ask if I can keep the piece of my rib they cut out haha, surely they can’t say no, its literally me and mine hahaha. I’m going for blood tests tomorrow, hopefully, or at least to be able to get an appointment for it, then off to hematologist then surgeon.

I’m sorry I was gone, I’ve still been here reading your posts though. The service looked lovely, the bikers showing up was really touching and exactly what I thought would happen, they stick together. The flowers looked beautiful and also your nails. I understand it was hard, It would be weird if it wasn’t you know, I understand that it sits heavy with you too, you will get stronger with it. I know there is much else to do now other than process and sometimes that feels worse than having to deal with things because at least there’s something to do, but this is finally time for you to process and feel and become you. But I know thats not easy, and thats ok. It reminds me of something someone told me a lil bit ago, “A cut in a tree doesn’t prevent it from growing, a cut in a tree doesn’t grow larger or shrink, the tree becomes larger though. The tree continues to grow regardless. The tree grows until and you realise that the cut looks smaller in comparison, it isn’t smaller, but the tree is larger” and I try and think about that sometimes because its easy to let things consume you, let things grow larger than you and before you realise it. But everyday you’re growing, everyday that tree is getting larger and stronger, and in comparison the cut gets smaller and smaller. Don’t let bad days turn you off that, and don’t forget the good times.

I really hope you have fun in London next week, thats soo awesome you’re seeing Joji, I would love to see him one day. Been a fan of him since his FilthyFrank days and legit thought he was so talented as a musician and that he was hiding it under so many layers of irony haha. Now he’s like one of the biggest muscians in the world which is crazy.

I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, I hope you get better soon, take time to relax and hydrate properly. I look forward to you streaming, even if its just once it will be so fun! Don’t put too much pressure on not being able to right now, getting better is more important.

“Now the dark begins to rise, Save your breath its far from over”

This will be a short post, my internet has been down for like three hours. Not only my internet but like the whole telco that is my isp and phone data went down. I’m sorry N, I won’t be able to stream tonight, I have no idea if my internet will be back properly or if it will go down, I’m hoping this actually posts, but I will try for this weekend on Saturday. I want to be there for you in the little way I can. I hope everything went well yesterday, I know you must be feeling a million and one different things and that ok. I know its hard to say goodbye, I know its hard for the day after too. But things will start to get better, trust me. I hope you were surrounded by people who love you and even that you had a lil fun at the bar. Take your time N. I will be here.

N, I hope today isn’t as hard as it is in your head. I hope you’ve gotten enough sleep to feel like you can move around and not feel sluggish. I know it will be hard emotionally and mentally, but I hope not too physically. You will be surrounded by people who love you, who care for you, and you have to let that in. I know its hard, believe I know. But you will let it in, maybe not today or tomorrow but you will. We can’t go back, as much as we want to, we have to keep going forward. Thats not meant to really comfort you, what is is that all those memories you have, all the time spent together, all the care between you, the good, the bad, the neutral. It will never go away, no one can take it away from you. What you do for comfort is never bad, or negative. Only certain things, like numbing yourself with certain things, you know what I mean. But I don’t believe you’ll do that, if my words and simple presence, even in a live stream (should streaming again tomorrow same time don’t feel pressure to talk or even be there if you don’t feel it), bring you comfort than thats good. If an old teddy your stepmum had brings you comfort than thats good, let yourself feel. And no its not stupid nor childish, I think its quite sane. You don’t need to respond to my post in any time limit or anything, please take your time. I’ll be here. I hope everything today go without anything getting in the way, I want you to be able to process properly. Just remember to breathe. If everything else is wrong, just breathe. Something so simple and seemingly easy can ground us and pull us back into our bodies, it reminds us that the people we lose are never gone, we breathe and bring them with us. 

I hope all this comes across as more comforting than dark realism. I just want you to know that you’re not alone, not alone at all. I can’t imagine what its like to lose a parent, and I hope not for a while at least. But that doesn’t mean I can’t listen and be there in any way. I wish I could sit with you, I know how hard it will be but you will get through, you shouldn’t have to be in it to begin with but you will get through it, believe me. 

That picture is beautiful, it captures so much love and care. And that ring is pretty awesome too. I bet it looks great on you, even around your neck. He had great taste in music, and chose well. 

I will think of you, I’ll hold you in close… 

“Sorrow rebuild me as I step out of the light, Misery strengthen me as I say my goodbyes”

I’m so glad you had a great birthday, it sounded so fun. I’m glad I could be a part of it just a little bit. Its so cool that song gets used in places, its sweet it made you think of me. Of course I would hand write you a note, you hand wrote me one on christmas, and that was very sweet of you too. You looked so beautiful for your birthday, both night and day. Omg those boots are so cool too, so goth and so cowboy. They do look comfy, maybe you were just born to be a goth cowgirl hehe. Of course you had to have a tiara, you’re the birthday girl. I hope they presented it to you on like a small decorated pillow, and kneeling like “my liege” hehe. It makes me smile to know you have people around you that care for you like that, take you to your favourite places and get you top tier krispy kremes too haha. I’ve had the reece’s pieces one, so fucking decadent haha. I need to try the biscoff one too. Maybe a crime that I haven’t tried biscoff biscuits or the spread before 0.0 hahaha. Maybe I’m getting old but too much sugar and I can hear my teeth scream at me hahaha. I hope you had a good sleep afterwards.

I know you were feeling iffy about celebrating with everything that happened but I’m glad you still let yourself relax a little and have fun. He was celebrating with you, I hope you know that. He’ll always be.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted for a while. I’ve been pretty brain foggy and my sleep is just, oof haha. I’m trying to do little things to slowly change my habits. I’m not trying to force change but become more aware of my actions and habits and change them slowly. I read that forcing change can sometimes lead you more into your bad habits and thats definitely what I’ve been experiencing, then I just get more depressed because I feel like I’ve failed and continue a cycle. My sleep is just waking up feeling exhausted then not being able to do much and then oversleeping, which is getting in the way of things. But I’ve been making small changes like doing things when I’m a awake (surprise) but not caring what time that is, so I do my washing late in the afternoon and have is dry over night instead of during the day for example. Just trying not to beat myself up for existing really. I seem to do that a lot tbh. I do need to make my doctor appointments though, they’re really important and I’ve been stupid with them. But I should have the first lined up soon. Streaming is really fun but if feel too brain foggy then it feels like a chore which sucks, but that will change with time. I thought I could stream like everyday but thats not realistic for me right now, doing it once a week when I feel good makes more sense. I still have heaps of ideas thats I’ve been writing down too. I have my vods saved so don’t worry if they leave twitch. (the last one was like 13.4 gbs which is insane) I’ve been getting more things sorted out too like alerts. I’ll continue with Cyberpunk, like I said it is one of my all time favourite games. I agree the music, the voice acting is superb, just all the sound design is so well done. How it conveys a constant dense dystopian futuristic feel is so well done. I’m also thinking tormenting myself with the only up rage game haha, sounds fun. And of course I’ll return back to tentacle man soon.

Omg I love Beach House, Space Song is my favourite by them. I’m glad at least talking can make you feel a bit more comfort, I wish I could do more, but I’ll keep up with this if helps.

“Breathe, release it all
Come on now, I’ll keep you warm”

I apologise for the late post, I’ve had a cold all week. Thats why I haven’t streamed since sunday lol. My nephew had a party and one of his friends came over, and he walked in like a lil patient 0 all coughy and rubbing his nose on his sleeve haha. I took one look at him and went yeah I’m getting sick. Sunday stream was so great and I’m so glad I could at least take you out of your mind for a lil bit, I will be streaming on Wednesday 9pm (your birthday) and will try to get more consistent with it too.

I’m glad you felt a lil better to write to me though, you don’t have to push yourself right now, just focus on you and what your body is telling you. Take time to feel so you can heal. Its ok for your sleep and eating to get disrupted, its completely normal and is really just your body trying to come to terms with everything, and it will pass I promise. Please if anything gets worse, promise you’ll seek more appropriate help, I can’t help further than what I can you know. Please talk all the nonsense you want, I’ll listen. I’m so sorry you have to do everything alone, that really isn’t fair, this is meant to be a time for the opposite. I really glad you had your cousin with you at least for a lil bit to collect some things, he sounds like a good dude and the doggy sounds amazing too, I’m glad they give so much love and affection at the right times (dogs seem to really know that kinda stuff)

Its ok to feel like crumbling like that, I’d find it odd if you didn’t you know. It really is one of those moments where you truly don’t know yourself until you’re in it, so I completely understand all of the emotions brought up. Again I’m really glad you had your cousin there with you, I wish I could have been there too, to support you. I’m also glad you got to feel overwhelmed by the emotions and he did too (that might sound weird idk), I’m glad you didn’t just bottle them up. It sounds like you picked the exact right thing for him to wear, and I bet he looks badass too. The undertaker sounds good too, very professional and know how to deal with these things. I like that he helped you figure out what to do, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have to figure it all out. I really hope everything worked out with the flowers and the registry. I know they’ll be beautiful and fitting, because you picked them. I know it will be hard, I wish I could be there to help you through the little things too.

Of course your hair is beautiful, it suits you so well. It frames your face and of course the colour, need I say anything hehe. Omg the scratchy stage for tattoos SUUCk, I have one on the back of my arm and when it was healing I remember waking up one day and it sticking to the bed sheets and literally leaving an imprint, like full colour and lines just right there, I had to pull myself off haha, didn’t hurt though or damage the tattoo must have been a bit of the excess ink drying to the sheet lol. I hope yours is healing more now and out of that annoying stage. Ooo 3 more too thats exciting, I know they’ll be good. I love small tattoos too, I know they’ll do him justice, and I hope they provide you with a lil peace too. I’m sorry your mother thinks that, thats so stupid lol, you’re not ruining anything and the idea that you are is kinda stupid too, more stupid that she seems to care more about your skin/hair then everything else, but I’ll restrain myself from talking more about it. Its yours and you can do whatever you want.

We’re on a small break from gigging with the band till september, which is good, gives me time to properly assess how its going and focus on other things. I honestly don’t really know the direction its going, plateauing or not, but yeah gives me some time to think about it.

Thank you for coming to my stream again, you weren’t too chatty at all, in fact that was what helped talk for so long haha. (also its good for the algorithm hehehe) I was just going off you and the game. I’m sorry I haven’t been streaming too much though. I really wanted to stream all week but couldn’t really. I feel my perfectionism is really holding me back from it too, but I’m glad I’ve done at least one because that took a lot of the pressure off it. But I will power through it for Wednesday, I’m gonna start a new Cyberpunk playthrough, ready up for Phantom Liberty dlc which looks AMAZING, and I remember you said you got addicted to it during covid too. Then I’ll go back to more tentacle god and alternate a bit. Though weird thing with Cyberpunk is hat OBS hates playing it and having my facecam on, so my facecam just turns off randomly, I have no idea why, my only thought is that Cyberpunk hogs my CPU so maybe its not enough for the camera, idk, so no camera while I play Cyberpunk but ESO and other things should be fine.

I’m so glad you got to finally see Chonky and how she acts, its hard to explain her to someone without them seeing so I’m glad you saw her. She looves belly rubs but also looves latching on to arms with her claws at random moments too. I play hardcore and really roll the dice by my putting my face into the floof and giving her raspberries which she finds amusing.

Its not weird reading through these, if it comforts you then do it. I write these for you so they’re yours.

Yes Little Hell is one of my all time favourite albums, Silver and Gold, We found each other in the dark, some of my favourite songs. I will say Bring me Your Love is my favourite by him though, What Makes a Man has a hold on my heart and soul forever, and speaks to me on too many levels haha. I just love how he’s this hardcore icon in Alexisonfire, covered in tatts and sings some of the most heart-wrenching poetic music, I love it when that happens with people haha.

Don’t feel guilty for celebrating, I completely understand why though. But you need to, for you, and for him. He would want you to do what ever makes you happiest and without concern. I know it will be hard. But its normal to feel what you’re feeling, it will be a range of emotions. Don’t let it stop you from feeling positive as well.

I hope you can get to sleep a bit easier, I hope these messages help you sleep and take you mind off things. Happy birthday soon, I’ll write again soon too.

“I fell straight
Into your arms
Like a drunk
Who’s been on it
All morning”

I really hoped this day wouldn’t come for some time. I am so sorry N, jesus christ I am so fucking sorry. More than anything I wish I was near. Please take all the time you need, really. All I want you to do is be safe, feel and heal. Its going to be ok, it really really is. I know there isn’t a thing that can take it away and I wish there was, I am sending you all the love in the world. I’ll be on twitch at 9pm Sunday, so 12pm for you. You can just relax and listen and I’ll take your mind off everything even for a little bit. I know its not much but still. Please don’t think you’re alone. I’ll post more so you can read, and wait until you’re completely ready ok. Don’t strain yourself or overdo or anything.

I’m here.

(that was the first song I learnt for acoustic guitar)

“Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins”

I’m glad I haven’t missed your birthday, I couldn’t remember the day but I never forget the month. Where HAS the time gone haha, I can’t believe its been like 5 years since we met feels almost like yesterday.

I am so so dreadfully sorry N. I’m so sorry. I know there isn’t a word on earth that could take it away and I can’t imagine what you’re thinking. Well maybe a little bit. I’m glad he got back to you, and I’m so glad you get to be near him, that is such a relief even if its not for the best reason. You have every right to feel whatever you feel, for whatever length they take. I wish I could be there with you so you don’t have to feel them alone, but you aren’t alone. You’re with him and he needs that, and you need that. He really really loves you, to hear how he treats you and how much he cares is so good to hear. It must be so hard to have to do all of that for him, to set his affairs in order and get things ready, I’m so sorry. You are so strong, and so caring to do it, and without really hesitating is something not many people could do too. I’m so glad you got to see old friends too, I understand feeling guilty about it, but you need to take of yourself too, you hear me, its ok to take time for yourself. While reading that part of your post, its almost as if your father and I thought the same thing. I’m glad you got to take lots of pictures to show him and how much he’s talked about you to everyone made me smile so much. Being so close to him will help so much I know it. Thats so awesome your best friends mum helped, she’s a real trooper, that drive sounds insane to have to do even with someone helping, I can’t imagine it alone. I’m really sorry about your mother, I won’t press it of course, I understand. Just know I’m on your side and she has no right acting like that.

I know its hard hearing how great you are but it is the truth, and the more people know the better. But yeah I get you, always feels awkward, but I’m glad its a good place he’s at, and the people around him are kind. I get you, he wants you to have absolutely no doubt in your mind how much you mean to him, and how he’s proud of you. It will be ok, it won’t but it will be, you know. Time does have its ways of surprising us. I know its all hard, I know all too well, sometimes you just want to break, sometimes you just want to let it all out, sometimes you think you’re not strong at all and that you’re constantly one small snap away from a complete shatter. But we surprise ourselves, we constantly do. You are strong enough for this, you are strong enough. And you do show him how much you care, there is no try here, you do. Everyday you’re with him, every word you share, every second in his presence you show that to him. The shadowbox is absolutely beautiful, it looks so fucking cool and badass I can’t get over it haha. Its so creative and so well, its so you as well. I thought I recognised the symbol.

Your new hair looks so beautiful. It looks so good on you and I of course love the colour on you too. I loove the tattoo too, it looks so good on you arm and flows so well. Definitely a fine addition to your others. I really need more now haha. I’ll be streaming on Sunday, have a final gig of June on Saturday so then I’ll be freee, I’ll be streaming on, e10squid. You’ll be able to hear me then. Its gonna be weird at first, just playing games at the start but I have plans to do more interaction stuff and hopefully more irl stuff too, just want to build a lil community, we’ll see.

I might hold off on doing anything with the band, we have been writing some new songs, but idk its the whole thing, if that makes sense, just feels a little stale (and if I’m honest I’m kinda getting fed up with introducing myself to the same people because they keep forgetting me as the bassist but at the same time I don’t really like people so I don’t really make too big of an effort to be rememberable if that makes sense, but thats because its not really the scene in which I’d like the be remembered if that makes sense, but yeah haha) We are getting some bigger gigs in different places so we’ll see.

You never have to worry about writing for too long, I always like reading through it all multiple times. I’m glad you’re safe. I wish I could hold you too, even for lil bit. Recharge you. Oh you could totally do that with Chonky she loves it, but she does sometimes give a false sense of security with it so its a 50/50 haha.

City and Colour is one of my all time favourite bands, I’m going to get some lyrics of his tattooed one day. And thank you for the song, its beautiful. You’re giving me more and more to listen to and I love that. I’m happy its starting to warm up more for you, hopefully it feels good.

I hope this post isn’t too babbly, I just wanted it to be unfiltered and just like I’m talking to you, I don’t want it to seem like I’m editting myself or anything. I look forward to hearing from you again, N. Please take care and know you can come to me.

“Trying so hard to release
You out of the misery
Hold on to your wishes
If you can’t hold on to me”

Its well into June now, near your birthday. I hope I didn’t miss it, Happy Birthday N!! <3 I hope you spend it filled with love and joy <3

I really hope you’re doing ok, and if you’re not, I’m so sorry. I really wish I could be there with you to help you through everything, just be an extra pair of hands for you at least. Know that I’m thinking of you, always, especially now. Millions of things must be going through your head, and I can’t imagine any of them. Take your time, and please be safe. If you need to talk thats ok, if you don’t want to talk thats ok too. But I’m getting ahead of myself, I’ll wait for you to post again when you’re ready.

I have been fine, my graphics card was starting to show its age but it may have been the fact that I used a low power supply for it haha. I’ve gotten a new gpu and power supply and am going to start streaming sooon, just getting through some gigs and I’ll be freee. I have been thinking more about leaving the band though, its just not fulfilling me anymore, it was fun but now its starting to just get a bit bland. I feel like we’re stagnating a lil bit, been getting some good gigs recently but playing the same songs, and most of the time I feel like we’re playing to the same people and same venues. I think I’ve played every dingy pub in sydney at this point haha. And its been fun don’t get me wrong, its just its been the same or similar for like 3 years now so I’ve just moved passed it in my life I think. We’ll see, its nothing super soon. The moon was full recently and I couldn’t help but look at it and think of you, and hope she’s looking after you.

This isn’t a long post but I just wanted to post something else for you to read and know I’m still here

“When all the hard times outweigh the good
And all your words are misunderstood
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart”

I first want to say, its ok, it will be ok. I have all the faith and hope in the world that everything will turn out positive, N. You are strong and capable, but in this time I want you to know you don’t have to be, I am here, its ok. Feel my presence like you usually do, while you sleep I am there, in your dreams I am there by your side. I am not be able to be there physically and I’m sorry for that but you are on my mind and in my heart.

I am so terribly sorry for what’s been happening over the week, I am however so proud of you for how you’ve been handling starting a new job, and how eloquently you gathered your thoughts and wrote to me. I know it must have been hard to do, so I’m proud of you for that too. I am so sorry for your father, you sound so close and he sounds so awesome, I know exactly where you got some your style and music from now. Being a biker, he sounds like my dad, loves motorcycles, since he could drive he was into them too. I might be remembering wrong but I remember he giving you one of his leather jackets ages ago, but forgive me if that was someone else, I know he’ll be able to soon. You don’t have to apologise for feeling and wanting to show all of it, I’m in a better place now to take it, and its you so of course I will. But thank you for considering me in it. I wish I could hold you, hold you up so you don’t even have to feel like you need to stand, I wish I could be there to wipe your tears and tell you its ok to cry and to be as loud of soft as you need to be because that’s important, like you said to me you need to feel your emotions it makes us human, so you can properly process them and are able to make better decisions and move forward. I understand your anger and you pain and your fear and sadness. I truly do. I also understand why he might have hid it from you, you’re his whole world and showing pain is hard, especially for some of us guys. He loves you so much and only wants you to be happy, but of course that doesn’t excuse hiding it all. I’m glad he consented to tests and moving forward with all treatment, doctors are amazing these days and will do everything they can.

How you take care of him and how you detailed it is so you, so gentle and kind and warm. I hope you realise how special you are, how truly wonderfully special you are. I really wish I could take it away for you though, just for a little while, just while I hold you, make sure you know how cared for you are and that you are not alone. I know these next few days will be hard my dear, just know that I’m here with you through it, read over my words and feel the love and care what I put into them. You will get through this, and he will too.

Thank you for your kind words, again you have such a gentle soul and caring nature. My cat would love you. I won’t say too much about me, I’m doing fine. Starting therapy soon which will be good, and starting my lil endeavors soon too which I’m excited for. I really wanted to have this be more about you, and to write to you quickly so you don’t have to be alone through this. I hope everything works out, I know they will. I truly do. Also 18c is my perfect temperature too, not too cold but I can wear what I want without sweating my balls off haha. I look forward to hearing from you, whatever you have to say. For now I’ll leave you with this..

“I close my eyes and all I see is you
And the small things you do”

Ps this is Chonky, while I was writing to you.

I’m back at my parents house now, fully moved back. I have my cat and she’s doing well, she’s always quick to adjust she just doesn’t like too haha. Same with me to be fair. My childhood cat doesn’t like her at all, but she doesn’t like any other cat lol. You would love my cat, she’s big and fluffy and has lil legs. She’s been a big light in my life since I got her. She knows where ever she is, as long as it with me then she’s ok. And I try and show her that too. She likes to collect toy fish and bring them too me, meowing to tell me that she did it. So try to hide them around so she can go and find them and bring them to me again.

I’m trying to think of things to do that coincide with my values and directions I want to take. I have a couple ideas that are very creative and will get me doing things out of my comfort zone as well. I’ve been studying again and that has been making me feel mixed feelings, its what I want to do but I feel torn by it not being an instant money maker that will help me move out, like I feel some of the people around me want me to do. It feels weird being back here, all the memories and feelings. Its hard to process things and try to be a functioning adult. I’m just trying not to be hard on myself.

There are things I want to do and accomplish and feel like I really can, I’ve gotten some good advice from one of my best friends (he’s doing something similar too) and he thinks I should go for it, there really isn’t a downside you know if it works it works if it doesn’t then I can still do it but not have it be a major focus. I want to create more things, music, maybe videos and live streaming and I might draw again. I’ve set up my room with cool lights, and a corner with a big desk that can fit my monitors. And I understand how it sounds, I’m not saying I’ll start making videos and become mega famous, all I want to do is make things and have fun and it sounds fun and creative you know.

I thank you for you kind words and support. I’m glad you like TVD, its one of my favourites. But don’t worry too much about it, it doesn’t last long and I’ve been making steps to more recognise it. Because you’re right processing emotions and situations is what humans do, and I have to remind myself that I am human and not some unfeeling ghost. I feel like small steps to build my foundations again is something I can do now. I know you would look after me if you were close, but really thats ok. You do more from afar than some people do really close. I really hope to start living for myself, and not constantly thinking if this is what someone else wants me to do, or even getting “permission” from other people that it is something I can do. Don’t worry you make sense, you always do. I understand writing like this can seem word vomity but it isn’t, its just us talking.

I’m sorry to here your old job wasn’t great. I completely understand what you mean with you manager. I had one exactly the same last year. He didn’t seem to understand the high turnover rate for the jobs was because of him, even when people told it to him to his face. I guess some people are like that, given a small amount of power and they completely run with it. I’m glad you go you got out though and hope your next job is a lot more comfortable and towards your values because you deserve that. You deserve so much, always will. Don’t worry if you need to take time too, going through something like that at your last job is no joke so I hope you can spend this time to process it and move on peacefully too. And I’m here for you too. I’m glad you had fun in london and got to meet that actor, and I’m more glad that they turned out to be cool and remembered you a little too. I love that description too. I bet they are really nice photos. I love that you have someone so into more obscure and underground music there too. It makes me smile to know you have people around you that you can have fun with and properly connect with. Please get back into bass and more musicy things, I love your singing voice and I know you would love bass again, that is sooo nice of them to refurbish a bass for you too. I know you wouldn’t stop writing even with not equipment its just apart of you, N. Your red hair looks beautiful, normally it looks amazing but I know you love red so it just looks more you.

I hope to be able to post better things in the future, more positive things. I’ll start with a gig we played last weekend. It was in Canberra again, and was probably one of the best gigs we’ve played, not only did we play really well but we also played to pretty much all new people and we even poached people from the other gig happening next door. I think I did my best talking to people too, even one of my bandmates said so. Someone even came up to me and said they aspire to play bass like me. I just kinda froze and was like “I mean I wouldn’t if I was you but you know to each their own” lol it was fun. I’ve never gotten compliments like that so it was weird haha. It was just a fun night with good bands and good vibes.

I hope you’re doing good, and I hope this finds you well. I hope it gives you more insight into how I’m feeling and what I’m doing and I will try to not disappear for long again. You really do help, I want you to know that, your words bring me peace and they have a certain presence with them too.

“We were washed in stormy waters of red and gold
We were held in stormy skies above the road
We were meant to let ourselves into, let it go
Never wanted to be here”

April 9th 12:31am

I haven’t posted in a while and I’m so sorry for that. You didn’t scare me off or did anything bad N, I’m so sorry I made you feel like that all of it, worried, angry, everything. You have every right to feel that though, its not fair, me just going completely silent with nothing. I’ve been really bad at that recently, making people worry about me. I didn’t have a good Christmas or new years, I felt alone, lost, left out, left behind, and nothing. I’ve been getting bad again, I thought I was getting better but I don’t know what happened. Part of it was the medical stuff, I have chronic pain now, my arm just is either uncomfortable or in pain, my sleep has become so horrible too, hard to get to sleep hard to stay alseep, i wake up 4, 5 times a night and feel dreadful during the day. I didn’t realise how much pain affects mental health and how much it affects getting a new job. But thats not all of it. I’ve had falling outs with my family, I feel like a burden to my friends and those I care about. I haven’t posted because I thought I was doing better then it changed suddenly, like a rug being pulled out. I had nothing good to say, so it became harder to say anything, then harder to say anything because I hadn’t said anything and on and on.

I failed again, so hard this time. Harder than any other time. I really really tried this time and nothing. I haven’t felt like I’ve lived for myself in my whole life if I really think about it. I’ve done things for myself but not lived for myself if that makes sense. I feel like I’ve failed you too. I know a lot of this is distorted thinking and all that but it’s hard to stop. I have to move back home, to my parents. It makes me feel even worse, the last thing I had was living out of home at least, but not anymore. It’s getting harder to feel, which is a sign I’m getting even worse, apathy has always been a problem for me, it was better to not feel when I was younger when things got bad so I just kept with that. (This sounds cringe but its like when stefan from vampire diaries “turns it off” because klaus forces him to, becaue vampires can turn off their emotions, obviously not as destructive, im not a vampire lol, but its like someone has told me to “turn it off” you know) (i love vampire diaries). Saying this I don’t want you to worry about that, I’m not stupid if you get me. I’m just lost. And I don’t know who I used to be or who I want to become or who im becoming. My mind is just fog. The people around me say such conflicting things and say it’s becuae they care and it confuses me more because then someone else says something that conflics again and the cycle continues, I don’t live for myself or them anymore i just stagnate. Moving back home won’t be bad, I’m trying to see the best out of it, hoping it’s a reset and not a me going backwards but I do need to take control of my life regardless of where I am. I need to live for me, so I can care for others properly and be there.

I think of these as letters, too. And still read them over and over. The thought that someone out there cares about me gives me some comfort, too. I still can’t really believe that, after these years you still think about me and care for me, I never stopped either. I hope you had a good time in London, I really hope to visit there someday. You have such beautiful handwriting. Mine looks like a doctor’s hehe.

I’m currently staying near Katoomba right now, which is up the mountains way west of Sydney. I’m looking after my brother and his wife’s house and cats while they’re away for Easter. The cats are big fluffy bois that look exactly the same haha, except one has longer white boots on. I really hope you’re having a good easter, N. I hope you get some good chocolate and it renews you. It’s finally starting to cool down here too, well about 24°, that’s cool for us haha. I hope it’s getting sunnier where you are and you can warm up.

I’m glad you take the risks, you’re so brave. Braver than I could ever be.

“The heart of darkness is hope of finding you there, and that hope will be our love’s requiem”

December 24th 10:49pm

I have been to many doctors at this point. Respiratory specialist, vascular surgeon, haematologist, cardiologist in April, many gp appointments, and many tests and exams run on me. They discovered I have something called Venous Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, ( if you didnt know, i found out that your thoracic outlet is the space between your collar bone and first rib and it runs your artery, main vein and nerve that runs down your arm from your heart). Normal people have enough space between them mine apparently is under a cm 0.88cm to be exact and when I move my arm to a 90° angle it decreases to 0.45cm and then if I move my arm above my head so about 180° it decreases to 0.17cm. Bit intense lol.

Back in September I noticed my arm started to turn purple/blue, thought it was weird. Couldn’t see a doctor right away as we had a gig in Canberra, on the way there my arm felt so tight and painful, stretching helped but not for long. Playing my arm would cramp up and tire easily (still haven’t dropped my pick before, knock on wood)

After we got back I went to a doctor, not my normal one as I don’t live near them anymore, first thing, he thought it was interesting too, told me to get an ultrasound on it, but couldn’t get an appointment for days afterwards. I ended up being able to see my normal gp and he thought it was interesting too lol and he got another doctor in for his option, you guessed it thought it was weird. They told me to get a bunch of tests done, and that going to the ER would be better to do them as they’re all in one place. I go to the ER at 1pm, and the 17 hour waiting room/tests begin. I had an ecg, ultrasound, two ct scans and a failed mri. I didn’t realise I was claustrophobic like that. I felt so angry that I couldn’t continue with it. In my defence they kept me int here for like 20 minutes telling me to breathe weird like breathe in then out then hold, over and over. I had a pulmonary embolism and they were getting me to that so much. When I got out they said they didn’t even get to the important stuff too that there was 10 minutes left, what were they doing for 20 minutes then? Jerking off to me breathing? The other tests were enough though. They found blood clots in my arm, one was 11cm under my arm pit and down my bicep, the other was under my collar bone, and one in my lung. What they didn’t know at the time was why a 25(at the time I’m 26 now) year old would get blood clots and getting them in your arm is rare enough. I had a doctor come in and take pictures of my chest as the veins coming from my heart are so pronounced on my right side, but it should go down.

I was put on blood thinners and after 48 hours of being in hospital I was let out. 17 hours in a waiting room, I got there at 1pm got a bed at like 6am the next day and let out around 1pm the day after. I’m clot free now. Though there are still more tests to be done, I’m not at the end of this yet. I have to get the all clear from the respiratory specialist to go off the blood thinners and then once I’m off them I can get blood tests to see if I have a blood clotting problem and if I don’t then I go back to the vascular surgeon and we consider surgery, removing the first rib. If I have a blood problem then I’ll be on blood thinners indefinitely anyway so surgery can be a later thing.

I don’t know how I feel about surgery, really I just want all this to be over so I can move on with my life.

I felt a massive change when I was in hospital though. I felt for the first time in my life I was kinda forced to look at my position and re-evaluate things. I want different things now. I want to study again, do something I’ve wanted to do since I was 14, study science like I was supposed to do. I going to go back to university for astrophysics. You how much I love space and hearing you talk about how much you keep up with all the news let’s me know it  really is something I should pursue. I’ve been relearning maths and physics again and getting immersed in it. Also got addicted to cyberpunk 2077 and the whole genre in general but thats beside the point lol.

I’ll finally be able to work again next year, find something less physically intense. I used to work hospitality, I was a mixologist in the end, which was a passion I developed while working in fine dining. I love making cocktails, hopefully I can make you one, one day. Though I won’t be able to return to it, I’ll be able to find something more officey maybe.

You look SO beautiful in that dress, I hope you had fun at the party too. I mso jealous of all that get to see you in person and I hope everyone at that party knows how good you looked. I’m sorry this post is late but I realised it’s almost Christmas and maybe this can be a nice surprise for you on Christmas. Merry Christmas N, I hope its filled with love and joy and i hope you know I’m sending love and warmth your way.

I noticed one of your new tattoos..

Following the footsteps of a rag doll dance we are entranced..

December 18th 12:10am

I was going to wait until Monday to post this after I had a bit more information on my situation, but I saw her last post and I wanted to post a quick one just to see if I can help her a bit. 

Those pictures you posted, just wow. Those views are so beautiful, I’m so proud of you for going to America for a MONTH too that’s insane. Your new tattoos are amazing, I love the bat one it’s so well done and beautiful, and something I would totally get hehe. I also like the otter, looks like a good boi. Your sister’s dog is gorgeous but omg I think I would step on her too with that rug ahah. And you, you look more beautiful than the last I saw you, I’m glad time was kind to one of us hehe. Thank you for posting pictures of yourself, I know its hard, its a bit weird for me, so I’m proud of you for doing it. That dress is so fucking goth and so fucking beautiful on you, I’m at a loss for words. I love your glasses, I don’t know how but they make your eyes look even more breathtaking. 

I’m so sorry you’ve been having a rough time recently. This time of the year finds ways to truly stress us out, regardless of it being the Christmas/holiday season. It’s unfair the people around weren’t being supportive and leaving you out of things. I hope that day is just an outlier and that it isn’t something that’s common for you. I know you’re strong enough to get through it, to rise above it, I truly believe that. Oh the cold sounds horrible without a way to heat up, I wish I could be there to help you, snuggle you up. Yeah shit is expensive right now hahaha. But that’s ok, it won’t always be, and money is just money. 

You’ve not left my mind either. I know the time I post this you might be getting ready for your Christmas party. I hope you have fun and get to let loose and relax. I’ll be thinking of you, so when you’re trying on your new dress and earrings I hope you feel more confident in them and go and beat the cold in it hehe. I’ve been able to see much of the moon recently. Too overcast at night, and it’s been setting quite early. But I’ll try and get a glimpse of it soon and think of you. 

I’ll post something larger on Monday, I’ve got a doctor appointment which should have more answers as to why I was in hospital a while ago, also I’ll explain more about that too. (Don’t worry nothing super serious, just blood clots lol)

I just hope you can sleep a bit more soundly at night, and have fun on Saturday. You deserve it. 

I think I see you down every fucking street..

I’ve been making music again recently and uploaded a few demos and mixes to soundcloud. Hopefully this link works lol. I’ve played some gigs and had some fun and trying to get better with things and move forward with my life. I might post more,